Self Isolation Depression
March 2020, the world was in crisis. There has been an epidemic. COVID-19, a respiratory virus had broken loose, infecting hundreds of thousands by the time this post was created. We were all asked to stay indoors, that nobody were to leave unless it was to buy supplies for the sake of survival. I had lived on my own then, in a small apartment with limited food. My parents were worried about me. With people coming in and out of the apartment building, contaminating elevator buttons, door handles, and even hallways, they asked me to quarantine at their place, at least until this is all over.
There was no classes, no work. Everything had to be done online and everyone were to keep their distance. I was just about to end the peak of my unemployment, applying to jobs here and there and being interviewed online amidst of the plague, thinking at least one job would hire me among the tens or more I applied to. But no, the virus kept spreading. The economy plummeted. People were being laid off and me? I had nowhere to go. The places I had applied to didn't contact me back, some straight up closed their positions as they had to reduce costs. I was unemployed, and worst of all, I couldn't even graduate.
After four years of the pain and hardships, after four years of hating every aspect of my life, knowing that I would never amount to anything with a major I so much hated, that I knew would not give me any useful skill for the future, after four years of thinking in only what ifs, and arguing with my father, I expected to at least graduate, knowing that I went through all of that, just to make my parents happy. I had hoped that in some way, I had made them proud of me. Perhaps, not by my grades, but instead, my obedience. To be doing something I had no passion in because they thought it was the best for me and I obliged. I had hopes for the future, that despite all this, I would graduate well, with decent scores, and take further education, doing something I actually liked, living the life I was promised after university. But as I stayed longer and longer in this toxic household, with nowhere to go, no refuge to sink into, I felt myself sink into insanity.
The quarantine had made us go mad, no doubt. But people had different ways to cope up with it. Some would spend their time cooking, non stop, experimenting with new recipes until their hands cramped, keeping their mind off of the uncertainty of life. Some had slightly less healthy habits, binge watching shows from afternoon until dawn, and would sleep in the dawn, turning nocturnal at some point. We all know that humans can never be left alone with their thoughts for too long, or else they'd break. I thought I wouldn't, I always knew what to do when I had time, I thought that I'd be great at being productive and making good use of time. But as humanity sunk into the depths of isolation, I too fell along.
It wasn't simply loneliness that I feared. It was uncertainty. It drove me mad. Like a wild animal being caged for too long, with no will to live aside from eat and sleep. I didn't know when things would get better, or if they would. Night time was the only way I found my refuge. I would call with my boyfriend and think about whats to come. I had dreams for the future, dreams that I could only fantasize about. To go far away in a land distant, to restart my life and live the way I wanted to. To fall in love over and over again with the same man I am seeing, to live together and discover this new opportunity given to us, to study and pursue a career I had always dreamt about, to believe in something so realistically unrealistic. At night, when everything was silent, when everyone was asleep and all you could hear was the passing of time, that's when I truly felt at peace, knowing that there was someone I could truly rely on, me.
They say family loves you, they only want the best for you. I believed that. I knew that despite all their criticism, despite all their anger, they only did it because they wanted you to be the best version of yourself. But at that point, I couldn't take it. I felt like nobody wanted me, companies wouldn't hire me, I won't be graduating any time soon, my family hated me and threatened not to send me off to get a fresh start once this is over. I felt my future crumbling into tiny bits of dust that were so quickly swept away by the breath of my father. This was not the only time he had threatened my future, but by hell this was the breaking point. I had never spoken back, I had never wanted to stand up to him because I knew that in my culture, in this society that it was rude to speak up to your parents. But I was sick of it. I was sick of how he treated me, of how he treated my mother, and grandma, and aunt. I was sick of seeing him think of himself as a god because he was the only man of the house, that he had the authority to be the dictator that he was.
He had the audacity to think that he was the greatest in the house, the best a man can be because he was in charge. But look at the facts, he couldn't get things done if it weren't for my mother. It was her who built this place from scratch. The one who had set the foundations of this business when we first got to this damn wretched country. We could be out there living our best lives if he hadn't chose to bring us back. But we did. We flew back here, surviving. And for half a year, he wasn't even here with us. He let us go on our own, while he was still in the land that we left, not even living on his own, but having people take care of him too. And all I'd ask was where was he? Where was he when I had a hard time adjusting to school, when the kids here would bully me because they knew that I was never really one of them? Where was he, when I saw my mother sitting in a classroom teaching all alone? Where was he when my grandma was calling to see how her son was doing? Where was he when our house was on fire, when we almost lost our lives to a blaze that set off at night when we were all sleeping? He would remind me how much I was a terrible daughter, but to see why the leaves of a tree weren't as green as it should be, you'd have to see it's roots.
When he spoke, I felt his words like a sharp arrow. Quick and fast, piercing straight to my hopes and dreams. And all I could think about was how somehow, he was right. He didn't say it to my face, but it made me realize how useless I had been. I was their only hope, the only child that could be their way out, the one who would give them the future they wanted as old age had hit them. But look at me, look at how I turned out. I couldn't give them what they had hoped for, hell, I couldn't even figure out my own damn future. I'm a lost cause. I don't have a job, I can't graduate, I can't take further study, I can't take care of myself. And all this, pressed into my brain made me point the finger to him. I am useless. I have no future. I will never amount to anything impressive in my life.
There is no happy ending. There is no far away place to restart life and be the best version of yourself you can be. In this time of fear, pain and suffering, all you can do is survive. Survive not only in the physical form, but also psychologically. I've been alone with my thoughts for too long now. I had lost count of how many days it had been without getting any sunlight, without seeing the outside world. All that I hope is that this will end, and it will end soon. The world has become a better place to live in, now that people have locked themselves inside. I hope that through this, we all could learn a little something about ourselves too. In a few months, when this is all over, IF this is all over, we will finally open our doors and go out, leave our homes like new people and feel like we have been born again.
There was no classes, no work. Everything had to be done online and everyone were to keep their distance. I was just about to end the peak of my unemployment, applying to jobs here and there and being interviewed online amidst of the plague, thinking at least one job would hire me among the tens or more I applied to. But no, the virus kept spreading. The economy plummeted. People were being laid off and me? I had nowhere to go. The places I had applied to didn't contact me back, some straight up closed their positions as they had to reduce costs. I was unemployed, and worst of all, I couldn't even graduate.
After four years of the pain and hardships, after four years of hating every aspect of my life, knowing that I would never amount to anything with a major I so much hated, that I knew would not give me any useful skill for the future, after four years of thinking in only what ifs, and arguing with my father, I expected to at least graduate, knowing that I went through all of that, just to make my parents happy. I had hoped that in some way, I had made them proud of me. Perhaps, not by my grades, but instead, my obedience. To be doing something I had no passion in because they thought it was the best for me and I obliged. I had hopes for the future, that despite all this, I would graduate well, with decent scores, and take further education, doing something I actually liked, living the life I was promised after university. But as I stayed longer and longer in this toxic household, with nowhere to go, no refuge to sink into, I felt myself sink into insanity.
The quarantine had made us go mad, no doubt. But people had different ways to cope up with it. Some would spend their time cooking, non stop, experimenting with new recipes until their hands cramped, keeping their mind off of the uncertainty of life. Some had slightly less healthy habits, binge watching shows from afternoon until dawn, and would sleep in the dawn, turning nocturnal at some point. We all know that humans can never be left alone with their thoughts for too long, or else they'd break. I thought I wouldn't, I always knew what to do when I had time, I thought that I'd be great at being productive and making good use of time. But as humanity sunk into the depths of isolation, I too fell along.
It wasn't simply loneliness that I feared. It was uncertainty. It drove me mad. Like a wild animal being caged for too long, with no will to live aside from eat and sleep. I didn't know when things would get better, or if they would. Night time was the only way I found my refuge. I would call with my boyfriend and think about whats to come. I had dreams for the future, dreams that I could only fantasize about. To go far away in a land distant, to restart my life and live the way I wanted to. To fall in love over and over again with the same man I am seeing, to live together and discover this new opportunity given to us, to study and pursue a career I had always dreamt about, to believe in something so realistically unrealistic. At night, when everything was silent, when everyone was asleep and all you could hear was the passing of time, that's when I truly felt at peace, knowing that there was someone I could truly rely on, me.
They say family loves you, they only want the best for you. I believed that. I knew that despite all their criticism, despite all their anger, they only did it because they wanted you to be the best version of yourself. But at that point, I couldn't take it. I felt like nobody wanted me, companies wouldn't hire me, I won't be graduating any time soon, my family hated me and threatened not to send me off to get a fresh start once this is over. I felt my future crumbling into tiny bits of dust that were so quickly swept away by the breath of my father. This was not the only time he had threatened my future, but by hell this was the breaking point. I had never spoken back, I had never wanted to stand up to him because I knew that in my culture, in this society that it was rude to speak up to your parents. But I was sick of it. I was sick of how he treated me, of how he treated my mother, and grandma, and aunt. I was sick of seeing him think of himself as a god because he was the only man of the house, that he had the authority to be the dictator that he was.
He had the audacity to think that he was the greatest in the house, the best a man can be because he was in charge. But look at the facts, he couldn't get things done if it weren't for my mother. It was her who built this place from scratch. The one who had set the foundations of this business when we first got to this damn wretched country. We could be out there living our best lives if he hadn't chose to bring us back. But we did. We flew back here, surviving. And for half a year, he wasn't even here with us. He let us go on our own, while he was still in the land that we left, not even living on his own, but having people take care of him too. And all I'd ask was where was he? Where was he when I had a hard time adjusting to school, when the kids here would bully me because they knew that I was never really one of them? Where was he, when I saw my mother sitting in a classroom teaching all alone? Where was he when my grandma was calling to see how her son was doing? Where was he when our house was on fire, when we almost lost our lives to a blaze that set off at night when we were all sleeping? He would remind me how much I was a terrible daughter, but to see why the leaves of a tree weren't as green as it should be, you'd have to see it's roots.
When he spoke, I felt his words like a sharp arrow. Quick and fast, piercing straight to my hopes and dreams. And all I could think about was how somehow, he was right. He didn't say it to my face, but it made me realize how useless I had been. I was their only hope, the only child that could be their way out, the one who would give them the future they wanted as old age had hit them. But look at me, look at how I turned out. I couldn't give them what they had hoped for, hell, I couldn't even figure out my own damn future. I'm a lost cause. I don't have a job, I can't graduate, I can't take further study, I can't take care of myself. And all this, pressed into my brain made me point the finger to him. I am useless. I have no future. I will never amount to anything impressive in my life.
There is no happy ending. There is no far away place to restart life and be the best version of yourself you can be. In this time of fear, pain and suffering, all you can do is survive. Survive not only in the physical form, but also psychologically. I've been alone with my thoughts for too long now. I had lost count of how many days it had been without getting any sunlight, without seeing the outside world. All that I hope is that this will end, and it will end soon. The world has become a better place to live in, now that people have locked themselves inside. I hope that through this, we all could learn a little something about ourselves too. In a few months, when this is all over, IF this is all over, we will finally open our doors and go out, leave our homes like new people and feel like we have been born again.
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